Dreams can lead to powerful insights into your life. Recently, I had a dream full of crisp details that made it not only strange, but inspiring.
I dreamed that I was in Houston with my wife attending a church meeting. We sat near the Lampkin family; I haven't seen or talked with them since I was a teenager. For some reason, I had a gift for Brother Lampkin. During the meeting, the Bishop announced the funeral for a girl named Rebecca. I don't really know a Rebecca? However, after the announcement my mother went to the podium to organize an impromptu musical number. She asked for volunteers to come to the front of the church. She specifically pointed me out by name saying, "Don't you make any excuses Todd! You better be up here too." One by one people started filling up the stand. The first voice was a small, quiet child, but slowly more voices chimed in with her. The song was "I am in a Child of God."
As you may have read in my last post, I've been struggling with my place in the church lately. However, this dream has helped me untangle some of the knots in my stomach. After a day at the temple today, I know what I need to do!
The Lord is trying to get me off the sidelines. Although I don't want to reveal the sacred nature of my recent intimate spiritual experiences, let me just say that this dream --as well as other huge influences-- helped me understand how I need to move forward. I will move forward with faith that I can do it. No more sidelines for me.
Have you ever been ignored? Have you ever been lost? Have you ever been forgotten? How did you feel?
Have you ever felt like someone was judging you prematurely? Have you ever judged someone prematurely? What did you do about it?
During this last year, I've made a huge change in my life: I've started attending church meetings as a married man. As an active church-going student - back in my single days - I was usually deeply involved in church. I made friends easily and tried to help others feel like they belonged. I felt spiritually connected to others, people made me smile. I was well-liked and had important responsibilities.
However, when I started attending a married ward, I started to feel like an outsider. I felt awkward reaching out; no one reached out to me. The families in the congregation seemed to already have their groups. The leaders in the church made no effort to include me or my wife; no one approached us, no one asked us about ourselves, no one learned our names. During this past year, I've felt really alone, but I've been thinking lately. I've made myself feel alone. This story from Sister Dalton really captures how I've been feeling.
During this summer, a leader in the bishopric worked hard to help us feel involved - he gave us our first callings since our marriage (substitute primary teachers) and he even asked us to speak in sacrament. The ward was welcoming, but I had already concluded that no one really cared about me. Even though I participated in Sunday School and even helped with service activities, I stayed away from people. I distanced myself.
Since moving back to Provo, I've felt even more alone. When we first arrived, I sought out opportunities to meet with the bishop and elder's quorum president. When they learned that we'd be leaving at the end of the semester, they each had a strange glitch in their unbroken smiles. No assignments, no friends. Today, I only attend for the sake of holding on to my belief in the gospel.
Have you ever been in my position? You know, feeling sorry for yourself and judging the world around you? Well, let me share a secret with you: the world sees you through many pairs of eyes, but you can only choose to see the world through one. Our perspective changes all the time, but if we aren't careful, we can get stuck with a negative frame of reference.
When you play the victim, everyone starts to look judgmental and smug. You, in turn, fill your heart with contempt for the groups that make you feel unwelcome. You stop hearing the people cheering you onward. The walls can become so high and thick that you refuse to be see hope. "This ship has sailed," you think to yourself, "if they really wanted me around, they would have seen that I was drowning a long time ago!" Don't let yourself become so miserable just because you were too proud to reach out. You can choose how you see the world. You can choose how you relate to the church. You can choose your relationship with the Lord. You can choose how you will feel.
